La documentaliste: mars 2012

mercredi 28 mars 2012

lundi 26 mars 2012

Every day holds the idea of a new beginning. When Adam took from the fruit of the tree, he got scared. He thought that G-d would destroy the world when the night came. What was his suprise when in the morning the sun rised again. G-d was offering Adam and Eve a new beginning, a second chance to make the right choices. But choices need courage the courage to change. Change is scary. There this place when we live one world but we don't know what the other will be made of. In this transition, we find ourselves in the middle of nowhere. The moment of being in between is unsettling. I thought when I left the world of artifices to enter the world of reality that everything would fall into its place, easily. It was quite the contrary. Everything was hard. Nothing fell into place. It was times of hardships. It was all worth it. I profundly prefers the world of reality then my old world of illusions. Before, I had no connections to it. Today, I'm happy that I stands in the middle of it. Before I had no compassion for the people around me, now I have empathy. I guess my album Metro is the reflection of this new attitude. Part of it but still out of it. With them but without them. I still feel different. Sometimes almost like an autistic child. But my feet are on the ground, I'm no more hooked on the stars. I always felt, since I'm very young, as an old soul. I dig beneath the surface. I dislike mediocrity. I can't settle for less. Everything or nothing, no between. I offer myself heart, body and soul and I demand the same.

The day my mother made me disappear

Saturday morning I picked up my girls at my brother where they had slept because I went out friday night. My mother was there because she spent the week there. I knew it from the old babysitter of my youngest daughter who told me when I bump into her at the grocery. I wouldn't have known otherwise since my mother and I don't talk since a month maybe. Anyhow, I went to pick them up on saturday morning and as soon as I am there she goes in the back of the house, upstairs anywhere but to be near me. So childlish but so hurtful still. It's like she hit me with a baseball bat on the head. I can't get over it. I said out loud unbeleivable but true. How did I survive to a mother like that. The only good thing is that I know how not to behave with my daughters. She sets the example of what not to do. On ther other hand, any decent mother would know instinctively not to act like that. I'm just trying to find something positive out of this awful relationship. It was my brother's birthday saturday, so she invited the sister of my sister in law who she adores but not me the true sister of her son ?! Anyway, she adores her daughters in law, the daughters of her friends, the daughters of the sister of her boyfriend, any girls but her own. It's been like that since ever. She praises them all but she can't look at me in the eyes. Even though, somehow, this saturday, she went over board. it was like I wasn't her daughter anymore. She made me disappear literally not as a matter of speak. She definitevely crossed the line.