To take responsability for my life

Good to be almost 46 part 2

Good to be almost 46 !

The men of my life

I had a lot of men in my life. Most of them I wouldn't be able to remember their faces or their names, but some others stayed clearly in  my mind and few I kept next to me. The one who are still there are all special in there own way and I'm happy that they sticked around. I had a friend that used to say that we need many men to complete the perfect man and maybe she was right. They all fullfill a certain role. They are all important for a certain reason. I can't blend them with each other. They have there specific space. I'm blessed to have them around. I just added one. He's nice and funny and he says he wants to keep me safe and warm and I the end that's perfect for me. What more could I ask for ?

Je n'ai pas écrit depuis très longtemps. J'étais occupée ailleurs. Je vais fêter mes 46 ans le 6 septembre. La fête commence demain ! Mon anniversaire me rend nerveuse cette année car j'ai le sentiment qu'il annonce un changement positif dans mon atmosphère. J'ai commencé les procédures du divorce. J'ai très hâte d'en finir pour de bon. Je suis heureuse que les filles passent une semaine chez leur père. J'en ai besoin finalement. Elles en ont besoin aussi. C'est une question d'équilibre. Les choses semblent se placer. Mais j'ai passé tellement d'années à être inquiète que j'ai toujours un sentiment d'insécurité à l'intérieur de moi, malgré moi. Je vais finir par m'en guérir. Depuis un an ce fut un travail de reconstruction. Je crois que je me suis finalement retrouvée. I'm back to me and it feels great !
Let's see what 46 holds on for me !

Miserable

My girls have been with their dad since last monday and I'm miserable. I hate it. I hate that he took this luxurious studio with no even a room for them and that they are all excited because of the elevator and the gym and the pool. I hate that he is giving me less money because of it and while he will be able to play the big shot I will have to struggle with my daughters for the rest of the time. I hate it that they don't even have a room for themselves and they don't care. I hate it because all the efforts I put into my place to make it as much as I could, nice and cozy and the efforts i put into their rooms and all that vanish in front of an elevator. I feel depressed and useless. I'm thinking all that care for nothing because all they care about is an elevator and apartment as big as a studio with not even a room for themselves, all of that for nothing, so why should I bother ?

Home alone

So I guess the separation is consumed. My girls are staying 1 week with their dad and I'm home alone. It's going to give me time, time to breath, time to recuperate which is not a bad thing after all. It's going to be fine and the girls are going along with it. They have a break from me knowing I'm there and to have their dad all for themselves.

Computer despair

My computer is dying. I have to get a new one to be able to put some videos. I saw Royal tennebaum and Manhattan just adored those movies. I have to put clips of those. Try to do it tonite.

Childless mother

This is my first week without my girls. They will be staying with their dad for the week of his rotation, after having them almost none stop for 2 years. It gives me more time but does a mother is suppose to have time for herself ? I feel weird and a bit lost. I guess once I get in hold with the rythme of being alone, I will go to the gym and movies and stuff. Already I'm eating with friends. They were always there, around me, on calls 24 hours a day 7 days a week. With no help whatsoever. No in-laws, no mother, no father or brothers no one. Actually, I've been raising them alone for almost 12 years. I absolutely adore being a mother. I don't care to have no time for myself. I love the absolute dedication that it demands. I think that more than the fact of having time or resting, they needed to be with their dad and their dad with them. I have to let go and let them enjoy. It's hard, i don't like it but i will have to get use to it. After all it is part of my decision.

Me in space

Eva by her sister

Hating Israel

Hating Israel

Heart, body and soul

Every day holds the idea of a new beginning. When Adam took from the fruit of the tree, he got scared. He thought that G-d would destroy the world when the night came. What was his suprise when in the morning the sun rised again. G-d was offering Adam and Eve a new beginning, a second chance to make the right choices. But choices need courage the courage to change. Change is scary. There this place when we live one world but we don't know what the other will be made of. In this transition, we find ourselves in the middle of nowhere. The moment of being in between is unsettling. I thought when I left the world of artifices to enter the world of reality that everything would fall into its place, easily. It was quite the contrary. Everything was hard. Nothing fell into place. It was times of hardships. It was all worth it. I profundly prefers the world of reality then my old world of illusions. Before, I had no connections to it. Today, I'm happy that I stands in the middle of it. Before I had no compassion for the people around me, now I have empathy. I guess my album Metro is the reflection of this new attitude. Part of it but still out of it. With them but without them. I still feel different. Sometimes almost like an autistic child. But my feet are on the ground, I'm no more hooked on the stars. I always felt, since I'm very young, as an old soul. I dig beneath the surface. I dislike mediocrity. I can't settle for less. Everything or nothing, no between. I offer myself heart, body and soul and I demand the same.

The day my mother made me disappear

Saturday morning I picked up my girls at my brother where they had slept because I went out friday night. My mother was there because she spent the week there. I knew it from the old babysitter of my youngest daughter who told me when I bump into her at the grocery. I wouldn't have known otherwise since my mother and I don't talk since a month maybe. Anyhow, I went to pick them up on saturday morning and as soon as I am there she goes in the back of the house, upstairs anywhere but to be near me. So childlish but so hurtful still. It's like she hit me with a baseball bat on the head. I can't get over it. I said out loud unbeleivable but true. How did I survive to a mother like that. The only good thing is that I know how not to behave with my daughters. She sets the example of what not to do. On ther other hand, any decent mother would know instinctively not to act like that. I'm just trying to find something positive out of this awful relationship. It was my brother's birthday saturday, so she invited the sister of my sister in law who she adores but not me the true sister of her son ?! Anyway, she adores her daughters in law, the daughters of her friends, the daughters of the sister of her boyfriend, any girls but her own. It's been like that since ever. She praises them all but she can't look at me in the eyes. Even though, somehow, this saturday, she went over board. it was like I wasn't her daughter anymore. She made me disappear literally not as a matter of speak. She definitevely crossed the line.

It's all about faith
It's all about trust
it's all about Love

Never enough

Do you have everything to offer ? because i take nothing less...

everything that I do I have to put weight on it why can't I be light once in a while.

Nothing was harder than to live it

Let,s begin with a good attitude

Because we understand each other

Feels good to be good

When out with my dear friend R and his friend L, had a wonderful night. We didn't drink since they both are now sober. We had a meal at Crudessence, a vegan restaurant. After L and I went to a CA meeting. It was a interesting experience. I never been to such a meeting and it was nice to see and hear it with my own senses. I would go again not that I need to but just to join my friends and put a bit of happiness in the whole thing. It was very grey and dark still. Some of the participants were so young !

The girls had a sleepover at a friend's house. So I came home alone. The night was gorgeous. The trees were full of snow. It was surreal. I didn't stop at the SAQ to get wine. I just went home and enjoy the silence.

Feels good to be good !

Strange movement of life

Over the years I met people, lots of people, lots of boys, no men. Among those boys, some i don't remember the faces or the names, some I din't even remember the days afterward, but some, few, very few, maybe just one , remained in the depth of my soul. There was this boy, this little bad boy I encountered centuries ago, a light in my solitude. We touched and then with lost contact for many years. The last time I saw him was by coincidence on a bus, I was pregnant with my first baby. He said: I see you're pregnant with your dream child. and those words stayed in my mind because they were so typically him. He knew more then any others my wish to have a daughter. I don't know if he recalls but he even proposed to father my child at the time. One night, I was so high that I collapsed on the dance floor. The bouncers picked me up and put me on those big speakers. When I finally recovered my senses, he said he freaked out, he thought I died, I answered: how could I die, I didn't have my kid yet. So that were the times.

Last friday, I had this urge inside of me to see Forrest Gump with my girls. But somehow for a weird reason, Forrest Gump became The world according to Garp in my mind. So I went to the video store to ask for The World according to Garp thinking I was asking for Forrest Gump. They didn't have it, they could have it only on monday. Since I'm a very impatient person and I had this urge and I couldn't wait until monday, I called La Boîte Noire for the movie. The person told me they had it on Mont-Royal and on Laurier. I usually go on Mont-Royal but I thought that Laurier was closer to me, since I live in Westmount. I had an errance to do before, I said I would be there within an hour. At la Boîte Noire, since it's not so close to me, I decided to see if they were other movies I could rent so I went down stairs. I thought of All That Jazz, they had it. When I was about to go, this young man stood in front of me, there he was, after all those years. I was in schock and him to. He told me I hadn't change which is sweet but I doubt. He aged in a beautiful way. So we went up the stairs together still amazed of our encounter, I picked up my movie at the counter and it is only when I saw Robin William on the cover that I realized my mistake. The thing is if I didn't make that mistake, we would never have seen each other again. They had Forrest Gump at my video store.

Isn't it a beautiful story !

cause we understand

Come Closer

Truth or dare

Because each other

About my mother

où le jour ou j'ai fait disparaître ma mère à jamais ou pour un certain moment du moins. J'ai une mère qui n'ose pas me regarder. C'est très étrange et assez déroutant. Parfois je me demande si je suis laide au point qu'elle est incapable de me voir. C'est moi dorénavant qui la fait disparaître de ma vue.

to love

to repent

To dream

La quête de l'absolu

Everybody is somebody

To be unique

I truly think that a great man stands above the rest, setting himself out of the crowd to live on his own standards, projecting into the world his unique and independent mind.

Pursuit of happiness

Shabbat shalom

The meaning of life why am I on earth have been the underlined questions of my existence. To be good would be one answer, to be a good mother would be another. Is it as simple as that ?

To be a good jew that's a touch more complicated. It's shabbat and I'm writing, using the computer I even made some tea to help me sleep since I'm awake and it's 4 in the morning... All things a good jew shouldn't be doing. What is it to be a good jew. Hillel said the heart of the torah is don't do to others what you wouldn't want them to do to you, the rest he continued is commentary. To acknowledge shabbat the fact that g-d rested on the 7th day, do I have to acknowledge it by my actions. Or do I acknowledge shabbat simply because I'm aware of it.

Shabbat shalom

Bla Bla Bli Bla Bla Bla, talk talk talk

I want to receive

I'm at a new point in my life where I want to receive, Enough giving, it's allright to receive. I don't mean receiving stuff I mean receiving at large. I have the propency to give right away everything, without the person even asking, throwing it at his face and opening my heart at large. I'm the mother Theresa of relationship... Enough. I'm allowed to receive, I'm good enough to receive. I'm worth it. Today this is my new beginning. Enough with the takers hello the givers !

In my heart

Because I'm a giver

because what I love to do is to give

All I want is you

I try my best

I once asked a friend what he thought of me during my wild years if he thought I was crazy he said no but different. I liked it. My motivations are not the same as other people. I have a strong sense of direction in my life because God is with me in all of my steps. I don't do things for the same reason as others. I'm not driven by jealousy or pride or ego or revenge, none of those things. I try to adjust my actions to my thoughts and my thoughts to my words. Sometimes I do fail, I'm only human after all, but I try my best.

Night and Day

I pray I pray I pray I hope I wish because I

somewhere

Neither here nor there somewhere in between. The only way to get through is faith and trust. Very hard, very very hard. I have to convince myself to let go and to believe. If it's true it will stand if it is false it will fail. The conclusion is not in my hands. Gotta do the right thing and the rest is above my will, that's all. Very hard. I'm happy I'm strong. I know that I can wrap myself very quickly in case of disapointment. Won't be the first time. Meanwhile I put my heart and my body on hold. I share my mind, leaving space. Being as delicate as I can. Very hard. Trying to help but not intruding. Saying the right things. The decision is not in my hands, the conclusion is out of my reach. The only thing to do is to patience, trust and faith. Everyday makes it more difficult, everyday is one step further and deeper. Like a friend told me I don't need a good man I need a great man. So let it be.

Mambo Agnes B Londres

Life is full of surprises always expect the unexpected.

The rabbi today told us that the month of Shvat that begins on monday the 23rd is the month of truth which is exactly what I'm in now. He also talked about the importance of a our name and the importance to live up to it. For instance, what people thinks when they hear our name, what comes into their mind. A concept that is also so much intricate to what I'm living at this moment. Soon it will be the 10th anniversary of the death of my grand-mother on the 20th of Shvat, meaning the 13th of February. She passed away on the 2nd of february 2002. all those 2s...

you gotta love the life you are living

The most difficult thing is to let go of the fear and doubt and to allow ourselves to trust and to believe

Can you feel the love ?

Give me a reason to love you

One a rebel always I rebel

What I want is a man who is intelligent, solid, nice in the higher sense, sophisticated but not superficial, and with integrity. Who can assure me security and stability, who stands up for himself and for the ones he loves, with who I can go to museum, to classic concerts, theatres, with who I can talk about books we read, things we saw, music we heard, a man with who I can exchange and who assumes his choices and what his beliefs in. I don't need a man and I don't need a good man a need a great man, because I'm a woman.

In that way, I don't need a man with a situation and nothing else, I don't need a good lover and nothing else, I don't need nice and nothing else.

It's either that or I rather stay alone.

I never liked games I never was interested in games. What you see is what you get. I guess once a rebel always a rebel.

Natural born killers

True romance last but not least

true romance suite

True romance suite

Expect the unexpected

charles Shilling is in the House

Oh juliette

Oh Zoe

Oh Britney

Oh Mylene

La phrase du jour: Pourquoi faire simple quand on peut faire compliqué ou la quadrature du cercle.

Her CD is Out Born to die

Oh Lana...

Uomo

suite

Interesting

Sweet dreams

Values

It always surprise me to see how people are so attached to the status of money. Money seems to be the only way to value the quality of a person and to value their own quality. It is the pursue of the emptiness. I will have that so I will be happy. I just finished a very interesting book called the soul of money and it helped me to put myself on my track again. Sometimes I am shaken by the critics of people closed to me saying harsh things of my way of living and the way I manage my money. I find them intolerant, limited in spirit and mind and most of all claiming one thing and thinking another. I'm not pretending that I'm perfect I'm far away from it. But at least I try to do act according to my beliefs. I'm aware and always evaluating my behaviour. I'm conscious of being alive, conscious of my limitations but I always push myself a little bit further every day. If I fall, I admit my mistakes and I try again. I told my mother the other day that I was quite happy with myself even though my financial situation is not so great. I am proud to be a good and responsible mother, to have a small but comfortable place for me and my children, to have a satisfying job and to be a honest human being. Now is time to use my money in the right direction as well. I started. I'm trying to buy more carefully (it is hard, I have to admit), to buy healthy cleaning products and I'm planning to sponsor a kid with my girls. I am hoping to contribute to make this world a better world with my actions because now is my time. It is my last challenge, after that I will be free, after that I will fly on my own.

memories memories

For a sweet and soft year

Paris Texas Nastassja Kinski Wim Wenders

Dance dance ortherwise we are lost

I couldn't help it the music is so beautiful

Enzo le meilleur ami de l'homme

I'm always amazed to see how adapted dogs are to the human life. The perfect companion. Pure little soul. Our new addition Enzo Oliver Chaim.

Pina Baush Fantastic

I'm so sorry to have waited until the movie of Wim Wenders Pina to be aware of Pina Baush

Looking back

After the destruction of Sodome, G-d told Lot, his two daughters and his wife not to look back, if they would look back they would die. Lot didn't look back neither did the daughters but his wife couldn't resist to take a last glance at her old life burning in flames. Because she did she was turned into a statue of salt. Some say that we can still see her statue to this day.

It is difficult not to look back but I think there is a reason for certain things to be in the past. The past is the past there is nothing we can do about it. What matters is the present which hold our future. By looking in the past we become trapped and paralyzed making it impossible to move forward. The best thing is not to look back. The past is in the past, it is already gone, it doesn't exist anymore. What exists is the present, the now, now is the time to exist, now is the time to move upward.