To take responsability for my life

Good to be almost 46 part 2

Good to be almost 46 !

The men of my life

I had a lot of men in my life. Most of them I wouldn't be able to remember their faces or their names, but some others stayed clearly in  my mind and few I kept next to me. The one who are still there are all special in there own way and I'm happy that they sticked around. I had a friend that used to say that we need many men to complete the perfect man and maybe she was right. They all fullfill a certain role. They are all important for a certain reason. I can't blend them with each other. They have there specific space. I'm blessed to have them around. I just added one. He's nice and funny and he says he wants to keep me safe and warm and I the end that's perfect for me. What more could I ask for ?

Je n'ai pas écrit depuis très longtemps. J'étais occupée ailleurs. Je vais fêter mes 46 ans le 6 septembre. La fête commence demain ! Mon anniversaire me rend nerveuse cette année car j'ai le sentiment qu'il annonce un changement positif dans mon atmosphère. J'ai commencé les procédures du divorce. J'ai très hâte d'en finir pour de bon. Je suis heureuse que les filles passent une semaine chez leur père. J'en ai besoin finalement. Elles en ont besoin aussi. C'est une question d'équilibre. Les choses semblent se placer. Mais j'ai passé tellement d'années à être inquiète que j'ai toujours un sentiment d'insécurité à l'intérieur de moi, malgré moi. Je vais finir par m'en guérir. Depuis un an ce fut un travail de reconstruction. Je crois que je me suis finalement retrouvée. I'm back to me and it feels great !
Let's see what 46 holds on for me !

Miserable

My girls have been with their dad since last monday and I'm miserable. I hate it. I hate that he took this luxurious studio with no even a room for them and that they are all excited because of the elevator and the gym and the pool. I hate that he is giving me less money because of it and while he will be able to play the big shot I will have to struggle with my daughters for the rest of the time. I hate it that they don't even have a room for themselves and they don't care. I hate it because all the efforts I put into my place to make it as much as I could, nice and cozy and the efforts i put into their rooms and all that vanish in front of an elevator. I feel depressed and useless. I'm thinking all that care for nothing because all they care about is an elevator and apartment as big as a studio with not even a room for themselves, all of that for nothing, so why should I bother ?

Home alone

So I guess the separation is consumed. My girls are staying 1 week with their dad and I'm home alone. It's going to give me time, time to breath, time to recuperate which is not a bad thing after all. It's going to be fine and the girls are going along with it. They have a break from me knowing I'm there and to have their dad all for themselves.

Computer despair

My computer is dying. I have to get a new one to be able to put some videos. I saw Royal tennebaum and Manhattan just adored those movies. I have to put clips of those. Try to do it tonite.

Childless mother

This is my first week without my girls. They will be staying with their dad for the week of his rotation, after having them almost none stop for 2 years. It gives me more time but does a mother is suppose to have time for herself ? I feel weird and a bit lost. I guess once I get in hold with the rythme of being alone, I will go to the gym and movies and stuff. Already I'm eating with friends. They were always there, around me, on calls 24 hours a day 7 days a week. With no help whatsoever. No in-laws, no mother, no father or brothers no one. Actually, I've been raising them alone for almost 12 years. I absolutely adore being a mother. I don't care to have no time for myself. I love the absolute dedication that it demands. I think that more than the fact of having time or resting, they needed to be with their dad and their dad with them. I have to let go and let them enjoy. It's hard, i don't like it but i will have to get use to it. After all it is part of my decision.

Me in space

Eva by her sister

Hating Israel

Hating Israel

Heart, body and soul

Every day holds the idea of a new beginning. When Adam took from the fruit of the tree, he got scared. He thought that G-d would destroy the world when the night came. What was his suprise when in the morning the sun rised again. G-d was offering Adam and Eve a new beginning, a second chance to make the right choices. But choices need courage the courage to change. Change is scary. There this place when we live one world but we don't know what the other will be made of. In this transition, we find ourselves in the middle of nowhere. The moment of being in between is unsettling. I thought when I left the world of artifices to enter the world of reality that everything would fall into its place, easily. It was quite the contrary. Everything was hard. Nothing fell into place. It was times of hardships. It was all worth it. I profundly prefers the world of reality then my old world of illusions. Before, I had no connections to it. Today, I'm happy that I stands in the middle of it. Before I had no compassion for the people around me, now I have empathy. I guess my album Metro is the reflection of this new attitude. Part of it but still out of it. With them but without them. I still feel different. Sometimes almost like an autistic child. But my feet are on the ground, I'm no more hooked on the stars. I always felt, since I'm very young, as an old soul. I dig beneath the surface. I dislike mediocrity. I can't settle for less. Everything or nothing, no between. I offer myself heart, body and soul and I demand the same.

The day my mother made me disappear

Saturday morning I picked up my girls at my brother where they had slept because I went out friday night. My mother was there because she spent the week there. I knew it from the old babysitter of my youngest daughter who told me when I bump into her at the grocery. I wouldn't have known otherwise since my mother and I don't talk since a month maybe. Anyhow, I went to pick them up on saturday morning and as soon as I am there she goes in the back of the house, upstairs anywhere but to be near me. So childlish but so hurtful still. It's like she hit me with a baseball bat on the head. I can't get over it. I said out loud unbeleivable but true. How did I survive to a mother like that. The only good thing is that I know how not to behave with my daughters. She sets the example of what not to do. On ther other hand, any decent mother would know instinctively not to act like that. I'm just trying to find something positive out of this awful relationship. It was my brother's birthday saturday, so she invited the sister of my sister in law who she adores but not me the true sister of her son ?! Anyway, she adores her daughters in law, the daughters of her friends, the daughters of the sister of her boyfriend, any girls but her own. It's been like that since ever. She praises them all but she can't look at me in the eyes. Even though, somehow, this saturday, she went over board. it was like I wasn't her daughter anymore. She made me disappear literally not as a matter of speak. She definitevely crossed the line.

It's all about faith
It's all about trust
it's all about Love

Never enough

Do you have everything to offer ? because i take nothing less...

everything that I do I have to put weight on it why can't I be light once in a while.